Mad Girl's Love Song
- Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

***
My heart falls deeper now...

*Superstar*

Thank you for reading the last post. Thank you for a 2.5hour long phone call which makes me feel like you're in Cambridge/I'm in London ("you know, my phone bills could feed a small family. mine, actually" lol!). Thank you for listening to EVERYTHING. Thank you for being a presence in my life that is so thoroughly un-psychotic (god, such a change for us both, right? haha). Thank you for reminding me of all our notorious gossip sessions with the other CK girls on the blue benches. Thank you for brightening my day. Thank you for reminding me about friendships that truly are unconditional. Thank you for being my Nazia "Chuck" Bass :D

Missing all my Jai Ho's terribly today!!! SUKU SUKU! Summer will be epic :)

Deep breathing. And retrospect.

A friend just sent this to me:

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other"
- Mother Teresa

I truly have forgotten.

I want to apologize for my mad ranting. Some parts of my last few posts got a little personal and I want to say if I hurt anyone - I'm sorry. I know what it feels like to be disappointed in friends and the people I love(d)...and I don't want to do that to you (you know who you are). I apologize.

Tuned in to my favourite Thursday Trance radio shows. As always, no joke, I am at my most lucid right here-right now. These tunes always make me see the light. They always make me see what I'm doing wrong. They always make me believe in love.

Despite it all, we must hold on to the people we admire and trust. That's the only way we'll make it through, unscathed.

<3. Always.

[I won't lie. There were other catalysts. For instance, this piece of good news :) (well, minus the banning of INIPSR) Although this may give rise to further self-pity and more calls of "oh, poor us. the whole world is against us! what have we done to deserve this?!", I'm not thinking about that right now. Let's just pop some champagne and celebrate. And wow, never thought I'd ever feel such joy seeing a group of people disenfranchised.]

Side effects may include: Paralyzing Anger

{N.B. - This post was written AFTER calming down. No joke.}

Bad week for the 3P's [Politics, People, Papers].

Why?

a) [will always and forever top any list of this kind] The Zionist entity. Come on, Justice - isn't 61years of colonial bloody occupation long enough for a "nationalist" movement to feel legitimized? And yes, 1948. That is what we want back.

b) White people and their goddamn hypocrisy (re: UN Racism conference). How telling is it that the only people boycotting the conference are white.white.WHITE. Also, it annoys me that those diplomats barely represent their nation's citizens! UK boycotting the conference because it is "anti-semitic"? The country which has led the most successful Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions Movement against israel? REALLY?! And, can I just say that the fact that ALL the press/air/print space has been focused on Ahmedinejad means that we haven't actually talked about anything else that's happened at the conference! Yes, because all our attention must singularly be focused on the jewish people. Anything that offends them must immediately be of utmost importance to the world. It's OK, let us conveniently ignore the murmurings of the grievances of those black and brown people. Let us reserve our right to be forever racist and imperialistic. All's good in the whitewashed hood!

c) Wannabes. Not the cool Spice Girls kind; the annoying as hell don't-have-my-own-identity kind

d) Orientalists! [HUGE overlap with point (c), above] Especially the smart kind, who can justify their disgusting cultural fetishization with big ideas and long words. Although, i suppose it's what *they* are taught to do - make up for their own lack by taking from another. And then claiming it as theirs.

e) Nonsense like this. You cannot make such bigotry up.

f) Writing completely ineffectual, boring papers. When a professor says something like "These films we watch...well it's pointless to try and put into words what we see or understand. It's a medium that defies such things" and then assigns 60pages of writing for the semester....Yeah, mmmkay.

g) People who are complaining about how arduous a task it is to register to vote in India. Seriously? Pull yourself away from trash TV and your gossip sessions and get your crap together. Jeez, democracy really is a waste on some people. VOTE!

h) White people making films about people of colour. There, I said it. [Liked Slingshot Hip Hop? It wasn't made by a white person. Disliked Slumdog Millionaire? It was.]

i) BSi -- Brown Students for israel. Nuff friggin said. I would give a lot to be able to punch one of those clowns in the face tomorrow.

j) Girls who have the SAME drama with every.single.one of the 50,000 boys they like. Ever stop to think that there might be something wrong with you?

k) Friggin indie music. Shut the hell up with your discordant sounds! Also, your painted-on skinny jeans are probably preventing you from having any kids, ever. Actually maybe that's a good thing.

l) Grudges. Not used to holding on to them. Feels a little heavy....

Quote of the week:
"What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a good idea." - Mohandas Gandhi

Newton's Third Law

[is definitely a fitting title, but is also the most overused of all science laws in literature. jeez, we humanities folk should really do more research into what other clever science people [ahem, nerds] have said. oh, and don't say "Eureka". please.]

HAH! Wow. How very emo that last post was...

So, it took a little more than the stipulated 4minutes, but I am most definitely over it. I think part of it can be explained by the fact that, except with my politics and my Trance music, I'm not particularly obsessive about anything. Which means that I am not emotionally attached to most...erm, people. Thank god for that, right?

To those of you who sent me messages/e-mails/frantic GTalk chat openers ("YOOO! TELL ME HIS/HER NAME MAN!" yeah...classy.) after reading the post - thank you. Really, it wasn't that serious - like I've said before, putting words to emotions makes them seem so much more dramatic than, perhaps, they truly are. I'm up and running again, no worries. But, of course, your messages were certainly catalysts in my getting there. Thank you, Merci, Bedankt, Shukriya and (my personal favourite) Zikomo. I was wrong about people not being willing to listen, I really was.

Doesn't mean I have forgotten what yesterday felt like, of course. I just don't care enough to simmer in it. As Nina Simone (oh god, how I love that woman....nay, goddess) once said,

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me
And I'm feeling Gooooood

:D

Plan for today: write paper about Bob Dylan's lyrical magic as translated into film. cook something yummy. and, of course, TE alldayandallnightlong :)

CRACK.

not the drug. the sound.

god, i knew it was coming. and now, here we are.

[note: i chose to keep this post PG so i used "crap" a lot. replace with whatever expletive you deem fit]

you know that metaphoric bottle i own? the one at the back of my metaphoric closet - where i store up all of other people's crap (which, by the way, always seems like it's filled to the brim)? the one that i choose never to empty out, for fear of hurting someone. well...oops, i slipped. and dropped it. and now all your crap is all over the place. my bad.

but, hey - thanks for not offering to help clean it up. especially since it is your crap. great.

people ask why i choose to listen/internalize vs talk/externalize. it's because days like today remind me that it's less painful to be the listener. because, on days like this, when you finally do need to talk...you don't get hurt when the people who are supposed to be listening, aren't.

so, yeah - i was having a thoroughly WONDERFUL day. well, until i was reminded that despite this epic wall of SOUND that i have created to keep them out..."friends" still manage to creep in. yuck.

although, i must say, the good thing about being old - i'll forget that i care in about 4minutes. nice.

usually, i wouldn't write...i'd just play a song that expresses exactly how i feel. but suddenly, i don't like sharing.

iMisanthrope. and, to complete the look - Kafka and a bottle of Scotch. hah. kidding...

barely.

My favourite Mass of the year.

"Henceforth let your souls alway
Make each morn an Easter Day."
- Gerald Manley Hopkins

A Prayer for Easter (thank you, Pastor Cummings)

Help us to remember

That you are with us in every time of perplexity to guide and to direct;
That you are with us in every time of sorrow to comfort and console;
That you are with us in every time of temptation to strengthen and to inspire;
That you are with us in every time of loneliness to cheer and befriend;
That you are with us even in death to bring us to the glory of your side.

Make us to be certain that there is nothing in time or in eternity which can separate us from you, so that in your presence we may meet life with gallantry and death without fear.

You turn our darkness into light, in your light we shall see light.

Amen.

"For without ashes there can be no glory."

Happy Easter!

Piercing Quiet

Roseland Ballroom, NYC
04/04/2009
A State of Trance II with ARMIN VAN BUUREN (aka Hubby dearest)
[For more on ASOT I, see here and here]
Epic.

Words may fail. Hence, photos.

First of the night. Early.

Yeah, slightly awkward angle. From the second row.
But right after, this very cool black guy who was in the front row turned around, saw me and shifted a tad so that I could squish in. I promptly proceeded to yell to him "Yupp, we people of colour gotta look out for each other!!" He looked puzzled for a second, grinned broadly and gave me a high 5. I'm pretty sure he was on E. I don't know what I was on.

Signature pose.
He did this approximately 54,489 times during his 5hr set.
I won't lie, it got a little annoying after the 6th time.

L.E.D. There Be Light
Trance Energy

He's a cutie-patootie. I love.
Also I remember taking this photo during "Back To You (Aly & Fila Remix)".
Which makes it priceless.

5:10 AM.
5.5hrs of nonstop dancing, without water or a bathroom break.
So worth it.
[and let me take this opportunity to brag about the many many instances of
eye contact throughout the night. it was romantic.]

My favourite photo of the night

Snippet from an online conversation with a friend on Monday afternoon:

Him - so yo...was it everything u hoped for? "technicolour splashes" and all that?
Me - yes. i danced danced in the blazing lights. i flew! at the risk of sounding crazy, i was one with the universe. i suppose...i lived :)
Him - u are nuts.

hmm. maybe.